When I first met my husband, I must admit, he was quite good looking, but I had been on a celibate band wagon for almost 7 years. I spent my hiatus getting an education, healing myself from a nasty prior marriage, and defining what I wanted to have in my life and what I wanted to eliminate so that I could come to the “relationship table” whole and with a clean slate. So, for the first year and change, my husband and I were just friends. NO hanky panky, no horizontal mambo, no nothing! I was a virtual nun…ain’t giving nun, ain’t gettin’ nun.
Eventually, we migrated from more than just friends to friends with benefits. At first, it was the usual morning “coffee” and then it blossomed into a full on relationship (albeit the blossoming was a bit drama-filled from his end) but once we settled into routinely being together, there was nothing that we could not face together. But the sex. OH. EM. GEE. The sex. It was daily, some times two or three times a day. It was “rock star” quality at all times. Marathons of sexcapades! We could go for literal hours. Of course, he being 10 years my junior, me being a woman, and all stereo-types considered, one would believe that I would be the one to slow down. Not so.
It wasn’t a swift decline in frequency. It was a gradual decline, like maple oozing from a wound in the tree, slowly tapering down the trunk. Eventually, days became weeks that became months. The sex had virtually died. I am uncertain why or how even, but eventually, I began to do the same things that I had done before. I immersed myself in learning. I surrounded myself with activities with friends and I compensated for the lack of sex by filling my emotional bank with people and activity.
I am not the sort of woman who equates sex with love; so the lack of sexual intercourse wasn’t disturbing to me. The lack of intimacy was disturbing, almost crippling, to me. The failure to hold my hand, to hug me for no reason, to kiss me (anywhere), or just to snuggle closely caused a great sadness to descend. It was heavy and burdensome. So I filled myself with friends and family. Like a psychic vampire, I would glom onto any affection whatsoever and make it mine. I may have appeared clingy even, and for good reason.
Then a vacation occurred. I thought I was caught up in a cyclone of sex. Spun around and made to feel like queen of the universe once again! On top of my game, I wondered what had happened in the intervening months when the drought of pleasure dawned and the well of sex dried up like a barren wasteland! What was happening? What had changed? Why was I suddenly desirable and worthy of attention and intimacy? Hand holding was happening again! Cuddling was what was for dessert. Did I miss the itinerary? Was there a syllabus for sex that someone forgot to hand to me?
Why is vacation sex: So good? So frequent? So long lasting?
What causes us to treat any other sexual encounter with our partner as anything less than vacation sex?
I don’t know but I am willing to contemplate. I am also going to begin to incorporate a little more of my vacation into my every day life. My sex life was (before vacation and before the drought) anything BUT usual, routine, or boring…and then, it simply dried up and blew away. I don’t know what caused it. Maybe it was 17 years of being with the same woman that caused my husband to no longer be interested. Maybe it was a waning testosterone level, but I highly doubt that air travel boosts those levels. Maybe it was simply just life getting in the way. Stress is a big factor for most people in the sex department. I, for one, do not believe that my genitalia gets angry, stressed, or not in the mood. I believe that sex and intimacy, for married couples, is something that must be nurtured. I cannot allow it to ever go back to where it was.
So, what should I do? I should pay attention. I should stay up to date on talking about stressors and alleviating them whenever possible. I should be considerate.
Vacation sex is just the best. Here’s to trying to keep it going and to stop life from getting in the way.
Wish me luck!