A letter I wish I could send but am told it would sever any possibility of fixing things so I’m putting it here (with identifying comments removed) to just get it off my chest.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it over the last few years, have gone through a lot of emotions and have come to the conclusion of backing away from you and your family to be the best thing for me, my sanity and what’s left of my self-esteem. I want a relationship with your son but I don’t think it would be a healthy one when I’m not getting along with his parents. A resolution to the repeating emotional cuts inflicted just doesn’t seem possible at this time.
You asked what I would like for my birthday but what I want from you is not possible because what I want is for my big brother to have done everything to show up for my “wedding reception/moving overseas and likely not see for years party”. We gave you almost a year to prepare knowing it would be a trip but in the end you couldn’t manage a long weekend away and it possibly didn’t even occur to you that your wife and child didn’t need to come with you. If it was financial, we would have helped. Do you have any idea how that felt? To not be worth the effort by your most of your family?
What I want is for my big brother to have thought enough of me to not have to think twice let alone need to interview me to see if I meet your standards to take care of your child if both of his parents died, and to have actually chosen me for the honor of it. Do you have any idea what that felt like? To be deemed unworthy by you?
What I want is for my big brother to approve of my husband and dare I say befriend him. You have judged him because of his religion, not much else because you haven’t taken the time to get to know him.
What I want is for my big brother to have taken (or pressed his wife to do since she was the least attached) the incredibly psychologically and emotionally challenging job of driving the family to the place where my brother and best friend died so I wouldn’t be the one to live with that the rest of her life. The task of pushing emotions down that deep to be able to do that chore left a scar that I can’t even begin to discuss or attempt to heal.
When he died I tried to make peace with your wife, I let the anger go and tried. In the end she deemed me unworthy and because I’m not a yes man and I didn’t agree with her philosophy so she cut me off.
So, basically, no big brother I don’t want a gift card for my birthday. I think we are beyond that don’t you?