Is it better to apologize to someone for something they likely don’t know you did (like if it was a bad thought or judgement made but it steered you a certain way regarding them) or allow them to continue not knowing,just let the dust settle and make adjustments going forward to rectify the situation with them none the wiser?



  1. So there hasn’t been any dialogue outside of your own inner monologue? If that is the case, how would you approach the person who you were thinking or acting a certain way toward when they are oblivious to your inner workings? If you think that they perceived you in some way that is incorrect due to your incorrecting thinking about them, then once you shift your actions and reactions I imagine they will also. I think if it were me I would be considering why I was thinking of the person in a way that has now changed from prior thoughts. In true friendships, over time, folks eventually spill the beans on their initial thoughts of one another. I have ended up lifelong soul mate type friends with a girl I wrongly judged. She knows it now and can see where my superficial judgement of her may have wrongfully occurred. It was yet another situation of its my problem, not hers, but we did start out with a large chip on my shoulder.

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    • In a nutshell, I realized this weekend that I have been expecting my brother to kind of step up into my brother that died’s shoes and maybe my hurt feelings with him is really mostly me being disappointed that he didn’t morph into the brother I miss. I still think his decisions are hurtful and upsetting on their own but I’m owning that I’ve also put unrealistic expectations on him. This has hurt our relationship because I have stepped away from him, what little contact we had has become less but I’m not sure he notices even or feels anything. So, I think apologizing for that would likely make things worse because I don’t think he even realizes anything changed. Make sense?

      So, I need to reflect on this some, and as my husband asked me recently, decide: is the relationship something that can be salvaged? Or do I need to just step away from it because every turn tends to be him judging me unworthy and I don’t need that in my life.

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  2. I completely understand those feelings and sentiments. The other thing to consider is that if he did realize it, why then has he not taken a step toward you rather than standing still or even stepping back a bit?

    I have a similar yet different situation with a brother who thinks I don’t even know or care what he thinks, who am I kidding? When we are in each other’s company due to family gatherings, he is cordial, albeit loud and boisterous, and he tries to bully me through speaking around me, to everyone else in their turn, except me. He attempts to alienate me, then tries to warm up to me. All of his antics I recently allowed to stress me to the point of leaving from a family visit, returning to my hotel feigning exhaustion, just to get away from the butt hurt I heaped onto myself.

    I long for the brother who took me places, spoke to my like I was an adult, gave good advice, liked me, made up stories with I was sick; but that boy is dead, walking around in the shell of the man who he has become. I mourned that loss once, no need to continue to do it any longer. My last trip to California was an eye opener.

    Family ties are everlasting. You cannot reject, deny, refute, or disown mitochondrial DNA. It just is. What it isn’t, is a lifelong extension of bad behavior, ruthless disinterest, and oblivious ambivalence.

    You won’t know how your brother feels unless you ask him directly. I’ve never asked my brother what bug, precisely, crawled up his ass in 1999. Everyone else in my family has and I am no more interested in his answers to them than I am to the honest answer that he wouldn’t give me any way.

    I with that your brother would see you as I see you. I wish he had reached out to console you, to be consoled, to share memories, to keep alive every morsel of your other brother together. I wish he was Pete. Now THAT is a brother.

    I send you love and patience for your reflections and thank you from my soul for sharing all of these emotions.

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    • Thank you my friend. I will figure this out, or not. Either way it isn’t going to ruin me. It might be enough that I know what I projected onto him and can now put that to pasture without involving him.

      Wait…can I have Pete? haha

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  3. It may well be. I can SHARE Pete with you…but no, you cannot HAVE him. He is certainly one of a kind and my entire heart. I really and truly hope he knows how much I love and appreciate him, but there is a Richard up for grabs and I wouldn’t even mind if you called him Dick. 🙂

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