My Special Ability

I have this ability to separate myself from things, people, events or whatever is needed in order to get through it.  Self-protection at a rather uncanny level.  I say this because it is often me that ends up doing a difficult task when nobody else will step up so I’m guessing it’s not common.

When my special ability comes into the picture I disengage and fully internally pull back from whatever it is.  This ability has served me well over the years in getting through difficult situations and dealing with difficult people.  This ability allows me to tackle tasks I need to handle without freezing up or falling apart…until later.

The downside to this ability is the inevitable toll my heart and often my body takes at some point in having to deal with the delayed emotions of the day which eventually catch up.  It could be years down the road but at some point my body and soul feel the pain, anxiety, whatever that was pushed away to get me through the moment I needed to.  I acknowledge also that in order to get through a thing a wall is created that can be hard to pull down.

The reason for this diary entry:

Upon waking up this morning there was a note waiting for me from my mother stating my deceased brother’s daughter has gone missing.  It is a sad statement that I am only slightly disturbed by this because she and I are estranged and have been for almost 10 years due mostly to her and her brother’s poor decisions and lack of thought for our side of the family.  I’ve always wished both of them well and happiness but I won’t be involved with it.  My capacity to allow anyone to basically repeatedly shit on my family is small.

I would say every person has certain human traits they consider important above most others.  For me honor and specifically family honor is on top of that list so when someone repeatedly dishonors or attacks my family whether from outside or inside of it I don’t play around and look the other way to keep the peace.  I just can’t and won’t.

I have already had the bounce back thoughts and emotions regarding setting these two (adult) kids aside and have come out of it without regrets on the decision I made.

Today, I am worried and concerned for her but I’m not devastated.  I suppose I should feel bad about that, she is my niece.  I feel a little bad that I don’t feel as bad as I envision people think I should, if that makes sense.  She made her choices and I made mine, there’s little redemption possibilities after the damage and hate that was inflicted by them and I’ve come to peace within myself about my decision.  It is just better we went our separate ways.  I don’t believe in being a part of someone’s life just for appearances sake.  Some might say I’m not serving my brother’s spirit by not being there for his kids but I feel him with me and know he gets it.  I have no guilt in that respect.

With all of that said, I often wonder if my ability is a curse or a blessing.  A little of both I think.  A curse because I end up doing what others wont and without showing emotional difficulty so there is usually no comfort from others because obviously it was harder/worse for them than me (sarcasm in case you missed it) and because the internal toll later is often brutal.  There is also the rather cold heart aspect it has created to some extent, perhaps a kind of scar tissue that forms.  A blessing because it gets me through things I suppose and allows others to not have to.

I consider the saying of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, in my case what doesn’t kill me makes me harder and more withdrawn.  Perhaps that is, in a way, stronger…or just bitchier ?

In the end, I do really hope she is found safe and sound and will live a long and happy life.

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2 comments

  1. You give much pause for thought, my friend. I think about the YOU I know and love. For me, you present an exterior that exudes confidence, ability, knowledge, and commitment and the small glimpse of your interior that you have allowed I feel a warm, loving, tender, and kind, quiet compassion. What comes from your mouth is seemingly well thought out and presented with truth and honor; whereas what spews forth from my gutter is raw sewage often followed by a smug unwillingness to apologize.

    I am sorry that your niece is missing. I understand well the need to separate your emotional wellbeing from familial pain inflicted prior to this instance. When my dad died, people looked to me to grieve some loss. He was an asshole when he was alive; hence, he is now a dead asshole. I have no regrets. It appears, on the surface, to be callous of me to speak ill of the dead, but I spoke ill of him when he was living. Truth does not die with the person…it should live on. I do not romanticize relationships. I imagine you not doing it either.

    Do not apologize for what you know to be your truth. It won’t matter, even if you do. Truth is uncontroverted. I stand next to you, sorry for the anxiety among people you know. I stand next to you, knowing your strength is a failing for others and I am thankful that in times when the most heart wrenching times have passed you did what needed doing. I stand next to you, grieving because no one saw, appreciated, heard, empathized, or hugged the pain that crossed your life without so much as a thought. It has happened a few times in your life. I will always stand next to you.

    Be well, my friend. Your feelings are spot on, do not doubt your strength and ability, gifts come in all sorts of wrappings. Love upon your hearth and home!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for such an amazing comment, your friendship strengthens me and keeps me safe. As you know the update on the niece is that she was found safe and sound for which I am glad but also would be aggravated about if I allowed myself that emotion. What she did was immature and irresponsible, to make everyone worry for over a day was just a nail in the coffin of my pulling away from her. Done and done.

      Liked by 1 person

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